I Don't Know How To Love Him
by Elowen
Summary: An HP songfic that's less song and more fic. Set to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “I don’t know how to love him” from the musical “Jesus Christ Superstar”. HPOC. PG13 rating probably not necesary.


I Don't Know how To Love Him 

A Harry Potter songfic set to Andrew Lloyd Webber's "I don't know how to love him" from the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar". HP/OC. Post Hogwarts.

**Disclaimer:** Hmmm I haven't had to write a disclaimer before....

Well as you may have guessed, I am not J.K. Rowling, nor am I Andrew Lloyd Webber or Tim Rice, or in any way associated with the publication, production...yadda...yadda...yadda...of anything Harry Potter or Jesus Christ Superstar and there for do not own any character or places that you recognize. I did however make up Aelwyn Sullivan, Murray Holden and Madame Simmons.

**Author's Note:** Ok folks this is my first ever fanfic period. So please be kind. Constructive criticism of course is welcome. Any reviews are very much appreciated. I would also like to point out to any Christian readers, that, although this is song fic based on a song from "Jesus Christ Superstar", I am in no way stating that Harry Potter is like Jesus Christ so please don't think that's what I'm getting at.

* * *

On August 17, 2003 the front page of the Daily Prophet read, "Harry Potter Defeats The Dark Lord". This headline had caused quite an uproar in the wizarding world, there were celebrations that went on for days and the fire whiskey flowed until there was no more to be found anywhere. Harry Potter himself however hadn't had the opportunity to celebrate; he had been rushed to St. Mungo's immediately after his victory against Voldemort. Now seven weeks later, even though his physical wounds had healed, he was still being held there, partially to ensure his mental health, it was mainly, however to give the Ministry of Magic time to imprison the half dozen or so known death eaters who remained at large.

This however is not the story of Harry Potter's triumph. This is glimpse into the life Aelwyn Sullivan, the nurse who worked the night shift in the ward where Harry Potter was kept for his last four weeks in St. Mungo's. Very strict and professional on the job, wild and unpredictable at play and a self-described "emotional retard".

* * *

Her patient had waken up in the middle of the night again, it always seemed to happen at this time 2:00 am, alomst on the nose. He hadn't slept through one single night since he'd come under her care. His night terrors always sent him into fits of convulsions and sweats, it was the screaming however that that snapped out of it and he would wake only to realize that the screaming was his own. Sure enough she would be there for him at times like these (of course it was her job), and tonight was no exception.

_Try not to get worried_

_Try not to turn on to_

_Problems that upset you_

_Oh, don't you know everything's alright_

_Yes, everything's fine_

"Shhhh, it's alright now Mr. Potter. You're safe now." She whispered, gently wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Oh Aelwyn...It was just...I mean...I'm here...I...I had another nightmare."

"Yes Mr. Potter, I'm certain all of St. Mungo's is aware of that."

She had such an odd sense of humor that even at this hour and under these circumstances he couldn't help but smile.

"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Harry?"

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me Aelwyn? It's Miss Sullivan to you Mr. Potter."

She said putting special emphasis on the "Mr. Potter"

His smile quickly turned into an over exagerated frown, complete with puppy dog eyes and pouty lips. It was almost enough to make her melt. She turned away to regain her composure, oh, and to get him a sleeping potion, he did need his rest after all. He smiled at her back, knowing that after all these weeks he was finally starting to crack her tough exterior. Then he smiled even wider at her bottom as she bent down to get his potion from its spot on the bottom most shelf in the cupboard. He couldn't help himself; he doubted that any man could. She was very pretty, not like the girls he'd seen in muggle magazines or movies all skin and bone. She was a demure 5'4" and curvy with chestnut brown eyes and long black hair, which she always wore up in a bun, always at work any way, all the nurses did. He caught himself ogling her, and stopped just in time for her to turn around.

"Here you are Mr. Potter." She said handing him the small potion bottle.

"This stuff is awful, please could I do without it for tonight?"

She shook her head.

"Absolutely not, you know the drill. Now drink up or I shall have to call down Madame Simmons and Murray on you."

Harry frowned in disgust at the memory of the hulking bald man (Murray Holde) holding him down, while the stern old medi-witch forced his sleeping potion down his throat. 'Best do this her way.' He thought opening up the bottle. He sniffed at it and began to cough. Aelwyn had to stifle her laughter. He shot her a fake glare.

"I do that every time, don't I?" He more stated than asked.

"Yes you do." She laughed.

He drank it down with little difficulty. She took the bottle from him and began to turn away.

"Aelwyn, I mean Miss Sullivan will you sit with me? Please? Until I fall asleep?" he asked.

She turned back instantly (she had come to expect this request from him) and began to straighten his blankets and fluff his pillow. Then she took her seat in the chair beside the bed.

"Thank you." He said yawning.

_And I think I shall sleep well tonight_

_Let the world turn without me tonight_

_Close your eyes_

_Close your eyes_

_And forget all about us tonight_

She sat there with him watching his eyes close slowly, and then only when she was certain he was asleep, she reached down and grabbed his hand holding it between her own. She had done this every night for over a week now, at least when she was sure the door was closed and no one would walk in.

_I don't know how to love him_

_What to do_

_How to move him_

_I've been changed_

_Yes really changed_

_In these past few days_

_When I see myself_

_I seem like someone else_

The following night was her first night off in what seemed like ages. She had allowed herself to be dragged off to some local pub by her flat mates Cristina and Patricia. As usual she found she'd had a few to many pints, and as usual she woke up confused, finding herself in a strange bed next to a strange man. She wondered how she always got herself into these situations, and how her "friends' always let her be dragged off by some drunken stranger. 'Probably because I insisted.' She stood up slowly, her head spinning slightly. Squinting her eyes in the pale moonlight she searched for her clothes. She found most of them in the bedroom. Her shirt and purse were in the living room, her coat and shoes in the hallway near the door she assumed was the way out. After pulling out all her clothes, she opened the door and closed it slowly, made her way down several flights of stairs, into the dingy entrance hall and out the front doors. Finding herself on a London street only five blocks east of St. Mungo's one thought crossed her mind 'Harry'. She checked her watch, 1:30 a.m. She would just make it to be there when he woke up.

She was just walking into his private room when has screams died down. She walked up to Murray who was her replacement for the night, and placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Mind if I take it from here Holden?"

The large man looked up at her in surprise. As did Harry, who had never seen her out of her uniform. She looked quite stunning with her hair down; it flowed down near the middle of her back.

"Aelwyn it's your night off you shouldn't be here."

"I know, but I was in the neighborhood, and thought I'd check up on things here."

"You should be sleeping at this time of night."

"Come on now Holden, you know what working these late hours does to your internal clock. I couldn't sleep a wink now even if I tried." It was a lie she felt so exhausted she could probably sleep three days straight.

"Yes you're right, well here you are." He said handing her the damp cloth in his hand.

"You let me know when Potter here is ready for his potion, Simmons would have a fit if a let you give it to him, seeing as you're off duty and all."

"Yes I will"

She sat down in the chair and smiled at the look of relief on Harry's face.

"Thank Goddess you turned up. I thought for sure Murray was going to scrub my scar clear off my head."

She laughed, which took him by surprise because he had never heard her **really** laugh before. It was beautiful, melodious.

"So tell me, why are you really here?"

"What? It's just like I said. I was in the neighborhood and I wanted to check up on my favorite patient."

She blushed realizing what she had just said. Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Favorite patient, eh?"

"I was just putting you on." She said punching him lightly on the arm.

"You only wish you were my favorite."

"Yes actually I do."

She felt herself get very red, so she stood up quickly and ran off down hall calling out to Murray...

"He's ready for his potion now."

I don't know how to take this 

_I don't know why he moves me_

_He's a man_

_He's just a man _

_And I've had so many men before_

_In very many ways_

_He's just one more_

Aelwyn paced up and down the hallways the following night. She'd considered calling in sick, but could not bring herself to do it, she'd never missed a day. She had pleaded with Murray to take care of Harry that night, he'd refused not giving any reason, but as she walked away she could have swore she heard him say "He's your favorite." Had Harry told him? Had Murray been eavesdropping? She began to feel anger well up inside of her, wait not anger, embarrassment. Then his screaming started. She stood outside his door too scared to go in.

Should I him down? 

_Should I scream and shout?_

Should I speak of love? 

_Let my feelings out?_

_I never thought I'd come to this_

_What's it all about?_

'This is your job Aelwyn.' She told herself. 'Pull yourself together.' She took a deep breath and turned the handle of the door. She walked in and went straight for the cupboard to grab a cloth and a bowl, filled the bowl with water, and sat down just in time for the screams to stop.

"There, there Mr. Potter, it's alright. Everything's fine. You're safe now."

She used her free hand to reach down and grab his hand; he clung to it instantly. 'Oh gods, no! Why did I do that?' His body slowly relaxed. His eyes fluttered open and drifted down to where their hands lay entwined at his side. She tried desperately to pull her hand away, but it was no use, he was much stronger than her.

Don't you think it's rather funny 

_I should be in this position?_

_I'm the one_

_Who's always been_

_So calm, so cool_

_No lover's fool_

_Running every show_

_He scares me so_

"Please let me go."

He did. She busied herself immediately with dampening the cloth in the bowl, then ringing it out.

"I all fairness though, you grabbed my hand first." He said rather boldly.

"I know." Her voice came out in a whisper.

I never thought I'd come to this 

_What's it all about?_

'Just do your job.' She thought. Placing the cloth on his forehead she mopped his brow gently. He was trying desperately to catch her gaze. He had to make her look at him, really look at him, and then she wouldn't be able to deny her feelings any longer. Something did catch her eye as removed the cloth, it was his scar, she reached out and traced it with a short but slender finger letting it linger there. She was entranced by it.

Yet if he said he loved me 

_I'd be lost_

_I'd be frightened_

_I couldn't cope_

_Just couldn't cope_

_I'd turn my head_

_I'd back away_

_I wouldn't want to know_

He closed his eyes taking great pleasure in her touch and also great relief in the thought that his scar would never throb in pain again. Then something occurred to him.

"They're releasing me tomorrow."

This snapped her out her trance.

"They're what?" she said in a sort a gasp.

"They're releasing me tomorrow." He repeated.

"Oh! How great for you!" She said rather unconvincingly.

"Yes it is." He stated also sounding very unconvincing.

She just sat there in shock.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, I've never really had a choice before you know..." She nodded.

"Now that I'm faced with..." He felt himself breaking down.

"I just wish someone would tell me what to do you know..." She just stared at him.

"Well I guess you don't." She shook her head no.

He scares me so 

He burst into tears, covered his face with his hands, pulled his knees into his chest and tried desperately to make himself so small he'd shrink away into nothing. I didn't work. Aelwyn could sense could sense his desperation, she wanted so badly just to touch him yet for some reason she couldn't, she wouldn't let herself.

I want him so 

She then began to cry as well, great sobs racked her body. She felt herself being pulled down onto Harry's bed. He held her tightly in his arms and found himself trying to comfort her as she had done for him so many times before.

"Shhhh. There now Miss Sullivan, it's alright."

She began to cry even harder and louder.

"Oh Gods, did I say something wrong?" He asked desperately.

"You...you...called...me...Miss Sullivan." She managed to get out in between sobs.

"But I thought...I mean you told me to."

"I know!" She wailed loudly.

"I'm sorry. I should have known."

She tried to pull herself together. This was very unprofessional. She finally managed to get herself together enough to tear her head away from Harry's chest where her tears had left a large wet spot on his pajamas. She tried to get up, but he would have none of it and maintained his grip on her waist.

"Aelwyn please sit."

She sat.

"Now look at me."

"No"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm scared Harry!" She nearly yelled, maintaining her gaze on a rather interesting spot of bare wall behind him.

"Look at me!" He said quite firmly. She succumbed.

She looked into his bright green eyes and instantly felt all the feelings she'd been holding back since he came to her ward.

_I love him so_


End file.
